Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
