Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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