So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
