so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
