i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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