I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
