i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
