Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
