i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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