My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
