guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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