so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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