I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Watching her eat just hurts me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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