so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
