I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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