Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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