Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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