i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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