First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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