This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
