You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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