im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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