while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
