I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
