I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
