Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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