i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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