I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
