mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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