I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
