Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
