Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
