I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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