apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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