It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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