Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
