and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
