he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
