I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize