Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
