Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
