and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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