i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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