My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
