How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
