after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
