dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
