Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
