Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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