My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
