he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
