Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize