My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Less talking, more tequila
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
