Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
