In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
